Older .. still not Wiser

I'm usually a sucker for birthdays. I love doing something meaningful and special for mine and I also love making a big deal about everyone else's too.

I have given myself several pats on the back on many an occasion , where I genuinely thought I saw the person on the other side impressed.

That one time when my roomie almost teared up when she got a scrapbook full of her pictures with wishes written all over by each one of our classmates.

That one time when my girlfriends got a surprise of their lives as they all walked into a candle lit restaurant with a whole bunch of strangers singing Happy Birthday song.

I have made personalized desktop calendars, mugs , baked and cooked and have been hell-bent over finding that special gift.

But lately I have lost that zeal. All because I have realized that some people are just not worth all that effort.

And I too don't want anyone to bother me on MY birthdays. I want to be left alone. To my thoughts. To my minor malnourished desires; to languidly watch the life go by, or simply stare at the skyline, or curl up in a coffee shop couch and read, to window-shop, to blissfully browse around a bookstore, to essentially just enjoy my own company.

Over the years, especially after being given into the institution of marriage , I have heavily pondered about my growth as an individual. There are some very valuable lessons that I learned the hard way. But the sad part is that I lost my innocence pretty quickly. I realized how naive I was and how urgently I needed to gird myself to be more apathetic or even unconcerned generally ( though I know that is not the best way)

I was hoping perhaps this year would be different , because I am really working very hard to be a certain way. To be an adult about certain things ( that I wish would change). But woefully I understood once again that I haven't  grown any wiser.

Still not wiser ...........

P.S : Here's to a  Not -so -very- happy- birthday !